The Mother Urge
And how it all began after 40....
Recently I’ve felt pulled to share more about my journey into motherhood and how it came to me much “later in life” than others. I put quotes around it because I feel time is a wild thing to try to label and in general, society has very much tried to give us parameters on what is “appropriate” for our lives. I truly believe that every woman’s fertility and motherhood journeys are so unique. There is no right or wrong, and all paths can come with its benefits as well as challenges.
I didn’t start trying for babies until after 40.
My partner and I met when I was 39 and he had two kids from his previous relationship. He wasn’t really wanting more children and was starting to enter into a different phase of parenting….and then he met me! Oops haha!
I had felt the pull to be a mother in my 30s but when my ex-husband and I split in my mid 30s, I thought I had missed the boat. I felt that (especially by society’s standards) my time had come and gone, missed in the two failed marriages I’d clocked up and I was most likely destined to be a cool aunt for the rest of my life. (which I’m not knocking and is actually a very important role!) But when you feel the mother urge building in your body, with no vision for how to make it burst to life, it can be devastating…
When I met my now husband at age 39, I didn’t assume that I would become a mother. Knowing that he’d had two kids already and feeling that he wasn’t looking to father more, I tried keeping my desire to myself.
But the mother urge is wild and not to be tamped down. She pushed hard and made herself known again and again. She danced herself alive inside of me.
And of course, when you meet the love of your life, you want to make babies. So after a few big conversations, we decided to try. At this point, I was 40 years old.
It’s funny looking back because I see myself as so much younger then and laugh at the fact that I wondered if it would even happen. I was definitely well conditioned by society’s standards of being “expired” in some way.
We were married here on the Farm in December of 2018. We found out we were pregnant with our first 6 months later in May of 2019. I was SO excited and felt it was the most wild kind of love that I had ever experienced, carrying this little soul in my body. I was planning out the future and picturing us with our new baby.
In June, we went for a scan and were told that there was no heartbeat. It was a missed miscarriage and my heart broke into more pieces than I thought were possible. How could this happen?? What did I do wrong? How could my baby be here and then gone so quickly. It was so isolating and the medical world isn’t one for holding you softly through a pregnancy loss. I cried and cried and remember feeling that I didn’t really want to do life anymore, not without my baby.
We were meant to get on a plane not long after we found that we’d lost the baby so the doctor advised to do a D&C. This is a procedure when they remove the baby from your uterus. It’s meant to be “a simple procedure” but when you think of what’s happening energetically, there’s nothing simple about it. I remember going to America (for our “american” wedding ceremony with my family and friends) with a broken heart and very little hope.
Because of my age and the lies I believed, I remember being scared that I’d just lost my only chance of being a mother.
I mean, I was over 40 remember?? I was blessed to be pregnant once, now I wanted to try again. After a few months, I was having some painful bleeding and when I got a scan, they told me that I had scarring from the D&C…and that I need to come back for another procedure so they could clear it out. I was told that I wouldn’t be able to fall pregnant again before they cleared the scarring, that it wasn’t possible to conceive.
More heartbreak and more waiting on appointments….meanwhile, we started to plant flowers, so many seedlings on our beautiful land. This was extremely healing. I was so inspired by a woman I followed in the States, who was this amazing flower farmer. I asked Craig if we could plant some of the same flowers so we planted Dahlia seedlings, Zinnias, Cosmos, as well as marigolds and sunflowers. This was a massive project but something about putting my hands in the soil, planting new life, growing something…it was so therapeutic. It was like I was saying to the Universe, Yes I can carry life again, I am ready.
I spoke to my baby’s spirit all the time. I prayed. I lit candles and told baby we were ready, that he or she could come whenever they wanted. I waited and I started to heal my broken heart. My hope was alive again, going strong. To be honest, I don’t think I ever really lost my hope. It just got buried under fear for a minute.
Only a few months later, I remember driving to the chemist to buy a pregnancy test as I’d felt really nauseous that week. My periods had been irregular since the D&C and I wasn’t really sure of my cycle at that time. I also still hadn’t had the procedure to remove the scarring, so I felt like it wasn’t really possible I was pregnant. But I got my hopes up and bought a test anyways! So I peed on the stick and an immediate dark line appeared. This one felt different. Strong. She was coming even when they said I couldn’t fall pregnant, which is very much on par with my Birdie girl.
I’d like to say I was sure of this pregnancy after my loss, that I knew it was different and that it wouldn’t happen again but the truth is, I was terrified to lose my baby again. I know if you’re a woman who’s been through a loss, you know exactly what I mean.
And unfortunately, I placed myself straight into the hands of the medical system, to make sure it was all going well. I had scan after scan after scan because the fear of no heartbeat would eat me up on certain days. I can see now that I gave away my power pretty quickly during my pregnancy with my daughter. And yet I have so much compassion for that version of me, for the version that so desperately wanted her baby to come all the way through, to hold her baby in her arms. She was so scared.
I would sing to my daughter every night, willing her to stay with me. I talked to her endlessly. I didn’t know if she was a boy or girl and left that to surprise when I birthed my baby.
We were in the middle of Covid shut downs and the world was going a bit mad. It was definitely a wild time to be pregnant. I know that it was another layer of fear looming while growing new life. I also knew that it meant my family wouldn’t see me during this pregnancy (and for years after) They didn’t meet my daughter until she was 2 years old.
And to top it off, because I was over 40, any appointments with the hospital would come with a side of “geriatric” fears. They’d speak to the risks and throw stats at us right and left. I had chosen a midwife, but specifically one that was able to assist at the hospital. I suppose looking back, this felt “safest” to us. I know my partner was a bit worried, all based on what he’d been fed around women being “older” mothers etc.
I think if I had any advice for women falling pregnant after 40 is to be very sure of what is right for you, of what your choices are and to stear clear of too much to do with the medical system. I feel they err so much on the side of fear that anyone carrying a baby 40+ gets bombarded by all that could go wrong. At a time when you’re already so vulnerable, it can be awful and not supportive in any way. Our bodies are extremely wise and we don’t need to control or tamper with our innate wisdom of growing and birthing beings into the world. (I learned so much about this from my daughter’s birth, especially while pregnant with my second.)
Fast forward to June of 2020, where I ended up being induced with reasons around pre eclampsia (which now I know I didn’t need to be induced) but more so, I’d reached my “due date” and remember because of my age, they wanted to get baby out.
This isn’t her birth story so my summarised version is that I was able to labour and birth her without any other interventions (though it was threatened more than once) and our beautiful Birdie Skye came to us the night of June 17th.
She was perfect, so tiny and perfect. Her name came to us the morning after I birthed her. She is named after my grandmother on my mother’s side. How perfect that she now has the same ringlet curls that my grandmother had.
Now this is the part that through me for a loop.
Seeing that I birthed my daughter a month before I turned 42, I assumed that she would be my only baby. I was beyond grateful that I’d had a healthy pregnancy, healthy baby, conceived naturally and definitely thought she was my one and done! And I had definitely been told by doctors and others that I should be so grateful because OMG you’re old!!! haha
But there’s a plot twist and his name is Cosmo!
I’ll never forget when we brought our beautiful girl home and that feeling of, ahhhhhh, she’s actually here. She’s with us. There was so much relief, joy, gratitude in it all. Those days were such a mix of emotions. Postpartum is a whole other piece of the puzzle that doesn’t get enough air time and yet is such a formative part of a mother’s journey…
But back to bringing her home…I’ll never forget holding her and walking into our home and being in the kitchen and hearing a voice. And it was saying something about, “you’re not done” or “don’t close the door yet”. Something of that nature, but I knew exactly what it was saying.
It was the Mother Urge dancing again!
And I’ll never forget feeling floored by the urge. The audacity! To want another at my age! and yet, there was no denying that another little soul was dancing around me, not long after Birdie was birthed.
Some women come to motherhood at a young age, some plan it and some try for years and years before it happens. Again, there is no one way when you’re on this path. And the Universe is wild in that there is always a more magical and beautiful way if we open to the possibilities.
So I opened.
Being a mother to my daughter was magical for me. My age didn’t ever come in to play at all. I know that when i talk to women now, that can sometimes be a thing, the fear of being too old and how will it affect their journey. And I can only speak for myself and my experience but so far, I feel that my children actually keep me young in so many ways! No it doesn’t stop wrinkles or time haha but it does keep you present, keep you in your joy and that is youth. When we let go of our joy and presence, we start to age faster.
The road to conceiving Cosmo was interesting, as I found if I spoke about it with certain people, it would sometimes be met with shock or fear or simply disbelief. At one doctor’s appointment, I was told I was probably going into menopause and I should be grateful I had a child at all. (direct quote)
My beautiful partner was open to it and felt that if I truly wanted another, we should go for it! Bless his heart, and so appreciative of his trust in me and this process.
It took a long time (well, perfect for me but long by others’ standards) for my period to return. During that time, I was advised I should go for IVF as the clock was ticking…I never felt this was right but decided to lean into the fear and filled out the forms, got the appointment. This doctor was hours away but if I really wanted this baby, that was nothing right?
I still laugh that I was going to go in that direction at all because I knew in my body that it wasn’t right for me. I just had an innate knowing that this baby would come when he or she was ready and there was no need to rush it. But the external voices and fears around my clock and the timing were SO loud at times.
One morning I woke up, and a loud feeling/voice said, cancel the IVF appointment. So I did.
My period returned (as I knew it would) in January of 2023 and I celebrated and shared all of my joy with our little family.
In June and July we had my family visiting from America. I remember knowing in July that I was pregnant as my period was late and I started to feel nauseous. But I kept it close to my heart. I didn’t want to put the word out about my baby too loud, because people’s projections and fears are strong. I was 44 at the time we conceived, just about to turn 45.
One of the things I feel strongly about and I plan to write a separate post about is the various reasons why I feel I was able to conceive my babies naturally after 40. But the biggest one is this:
I believed that I would and could get pregnant.
Yes there are so many other variables to it, so many factors, such as health and overall well-being, my environment and my partner’s health. But I truly truly believe that our beliefs hold SO much power, more than we understand.
And if I had allowed myself to feed into what society/medical system/others believed to be true, I don’t think I would have fallen pregnant with either of my babies. Nope. I don’t think I would have had relatively easy conception journeys with both Birdie and Cosmo.
My pregnancy with Cosmo was so beautiful. As mentioned before, part of it was processing my birth with Birdie and all that had unfolded with her pregnancy. I immediately hired a midwife and planned to birth at home with my second. Some thought that was a bit reckless because in their mind, so much could go wrong at home, especially being SO old!
I felt so strong, stronger than ever while carrying Cosmo in my 45 year old body. I went on big walks here at the National Park in Noosa almost daily. After the First trimester (which was rough yes!) I gained so much vitality and energy and seemed to get stronger the further along I was in my pregnancy.
It’s funny how we make age such a negative factor in so many ways, but I could feel the wisdom of my life and body was only an advantage in my experience carrying my son.
I had a close circle of women that I confided in, sharing all of my thoughts and dreams about my birth and started to explore Freebirth. Again, most would say this was a silly idea because wouldn’t I need so much assistance birthing my baby at 45 years old??
I stayed far away from the medical system, we did get a couple of scans with our midwife but overall, the more I was left alone to grow my baby, the better I felt.
I’ve shared in other posts about my decision to freebirth my son and you can read that one here. So I’ll simply wrap up this long one by saying, The Mother Urge doesn’t always follow one simple timeline and doesn’t care about what is expected.
The Mother Urge might come to you early in life, “earlier” than some think is okay. It might come to you long after you’ve had your first and you question if another is okay, with a big age gap. The Urge might hit after you spent years on your career and you realise your desire to create life is strong now.
The Mother Urge came to me at a time that doesn’t make sense to some, or seems dangerous to others. It danced its way into my soul and then danced again when I didn’t know if that was possible for me.
If you open yourself to the Mother Urge, it will take you for the wildest most epic ride of your life. There is nothing quite like it.
And for any woman reading this, on the verge of giving up or feeling she’s missed the mother boat….I want you to hold your hope up high, higher than anyone can reach it and let it shine out from you like a beacon of light. Because you are allowed to hope and dream, no matter where the mother urge finds you and no matter your age.
I share my story (longer than i expected) so that any woman out there wondering if it’s possible for her sees that it can happen. I share for the others that are being told there’s no way and being sold fear instead of hope and support…
I have so much to say about this but will finish here for now. Thank you for reading along and I’d love to hear any feedback or comments on your own journey, or if you resonate at all.
With so much love,
Chrissy